....yaar it hurts yaar.....bohot dard hota hai...bohot jyada...itna k pagal ho jata hu...raat bhasr baith kar rota rehta hu........neend aa v jati hai toh subeh uthte hi aankho se paani behna shuru ho jata hai...I always claimed that no one has seen me crying par itna jyada roya hu uske baad k har pal apne aap ko aansuo mai hi dekhta hu....Dard bohot jyada hai....aisa lagta hai k jaise jitna pyar hai sara dard mai badal gaya hai....

Raat k 3 baj rahe hain...rote hue jab bardasht nahi hua toh ghar k mandir main baitha hu....Itne sare bhagwan k photo hain ...sab se ragad ragad kar bhikh maang raha hu k koi toh kuch kar do na yaar....koi toh is dard se rahat dila do..par kuch nahi ho raha....Jaanta hu rote rote jab thak jaunga toh hi neend aayegi...par yeh soch kar darr lag raha hai k fir kal uthne k baad aise hi dard hoga....Maalik yeh toh bohot jyada hai bohot jyada.,...hadh ki hadh se v bohot jyada...

Mai bata ya smajha nahi skta shayad itna jyada...

Agar is waqt koi samne hota toh mujhe aise rpte dekh kar apni zindagi se mayuus ho jata ..

Is kadar agar koi mere samne roye toh main usi waqt marr jaunga ya use maar kar uski taqllef se riha kara dunga.....par yaar uparwale ko v daya nahi aa rahi...sab bus muh mor kar baith gaye hain....

Arre bachche ki jaan loge kya sab mil kar..

Bus karo yaar bus karo....

bus karo Maalik bus karo........

August 2005

Nahi jaante k hum achche hain ya kaharab….kyunki hum apne aap par us din control nahi rakh paaye…

Paurnia mai achcah kaam chal raha tha. Rehne khane ka koi dikkat nahi tha. Sushil ka ghar tha waha par..aur mera kaam hi aisa tha k humko jaha v jaana hai waha ghar ka aadmi ban jana hota hai..wo DDLJ wala Shahrukh Khan k tarah..so dat yeh nahin lage k koi bahar ka aadmi aaya hua hai ghar mai…waha hum the,Sushil..usk bhaiya aur uski bhabhi thi….sabse kafi achcah relation tha.. Ek din subeh sushil kahi aapointment lene chala gaya aur us din uska bada bhai v apne hometown gaya hua tha..bhabhi ghar mai akeli thi…

lekin aisa 1^st tym nahi tha…Hum jab v akele rehte toh room mai diary,notes wagerah le jar baithe rehte aur kaam karte rehte aur bhabhi beech beech mai aa karchai wqagereh k puchti ya fir thora der baith jaati aise hi baat karti…lekin us din hum hum thora kaam kahatam karke11 baje k aasaps toh jaise hi ghar mai ghus toh paaya k bhabhi ghar k aangan mai chapakal se naha rahi hai..Hum toh ekdum harbara gaye aur bahg kar wapas jane lage toh tabhi bahabhi hi humko boli k koi bat nahi …aap room chale jaiye..hum fir toh chupvchap neeche sar karke room mai chale gaye lekin humko bohot kharab lag raha tha..lag raha tha k hum ghar mai ghuse hi kyu…ajib sa tension ho gaya tha..

kahir  fir hum bus change karke yu hi late gaye aur….Bhaiya log ka room humlog ka room k pehle the…pata nahi jab bhabhi nahai k aayi toh 2 sec k liye mera room k samne ruk gayi aur humko ajib se dekhi aur fir apna room mai chali gayi…

Pata nahi humko us tym kya hua par hum ekdum achanak utheaur direcnka room k tarf chale gaye…Bhabhi ka room khula hua tha…Hum jaise hi andar gaye tpoh Bhabhi humko dekh li par pata nahi wo kuch boli v nahi aur koi reaction v nahi ki…jaise k usko pata tha k hum aane wale hi hain aur wo wait kar rahi thi…….Wo toh kuch boli v nahin aur bed par jaa k baith gayi aur humko dekhne lagi…Humko achcha se yaad hai k us tym bhabhi sirf towl mai thi aur jaise hi hum aage badhe door se toh mere aankho k aage andhera cha gaya tha…Usk kareeb gaye..aisa pehle kav nahi hua tha…aisa lag raha tha k andar koi bohot jabardast buri taqat aa gayi aur kuch v sochne nahi de rahi hai aur sab bhula de rahi hai…

I became blind and senseless for few secs…achanak jaise hi humko hosh aaya..I found myself standing next to bed, leaned towards her  and she holding my arm and just dragging it to touch her bare assets…

Pata nahi par achche se yad hai achahnak us waqqt tumhar chehra yaad aa gaya…aur dil se I love u nikal a…usi waqt tumhare face dikhai diya aur hum pagal log k tarah use hath chura k room se bhag k nikle..apna rrom mai ja kar room bandh kiye aur bohot roye…pura din apna room se bahar nahi nikle.Bohot ajib se tension walal environment ho gaya tha..nNext morning hi bus pakde aur bahgalpur aaye aur fir waha se ghar wapas aa agye….

Ghar aa kar ek dost ko pura story bataye troh sala mera hi majak udane laga….bolta hai k maine itna achcha opportunity chor diya kisi ko kya pata chalta….

Kahir..fir kav yeh trash kisi ko nahi sunaye hum..kav wapas Sushil k ghar nahi gaye..Purnia jate toh hotel mai hi rukte…

Kav kav lagta hai k hum v baki bure logo k jaise ho gaye the….agar aisa nahi hota toh hum uske room k taraf gaye hi nahi hote starting mai….lekin yar agar sach mai ka mine hote toh room se bahar nahi nikalte kav palat kar….I mean aisa toh nahi na hota hoga k har koi aise tym mai hosh sambhale rakhta hoga….Lekin hum jaante hain k sach mai toh hosh mai toh hum v nahi the..par us waqt mera payr humko haarne se bacha liya….

Yeh yaad karke bohot khushi milti hai k Nekdil humko waha se nikal liya..Wo humko sambhal liya….

Sala socha tha k tumhe sab kuch batauga magar……

MY LOVE MAKE ME SOMETHING THEY CALL “PERFECT”…..

Durgapuja 2002

Durgapuja k din uske ghar gaye the hum…kisi tarah pata chal gaya tha k usk papa ghar mai nahi hain…bus pohonch gaye…yaar…wo black suit…haath mai itna sara matching churi…aur itna chatpat kar rahi the k mat pucho…Itni chanchal jaise k koi chota bachcha hai….ohh bata nahi sakta usk haath ,mai itna sari churiyaan dekh kar..ohh..

E Maalikkitna achcah than a..kitna khush tha mai us waqt….Bat bat mai usne kaha k wo koi mela jayegi…usko waha wo merry go round mai baithne ka tha…aur mai sala apna sara program cancel karke apne dost log ko chor k waha 6 pm se 10.30 tak baitha raha..us waqt cycle thi mere pas..par m,ast thaw o intezaar karna....udaas tha par maayuus nahi tha..ek ajjib si khushi v thi andar mai….aur life ka 1^st letter v mila tha us din…baithe baithe na jaane kitni baar padh liya tha….

Zindagi ka har baar itna intezaar liya..par aaj…yeh likte hue..bus maut ka intezaar kar raha hu….

Toh fir aaao.....

12Feb 2007

Toh fir aao…

Mujhko sataao…….

Toh fir aao…

Mujhko Rulaao…..

Gham le ja tere…..

Jo v tune diye…

Yaa fir muhko bataa……

Inko kaise sahe……..

Toh fir Aaoo..

Mujhko..Saataaoo…

Toh fir aaoo..

Mujhko Rulaao…

AA v jaao…Aa v jaaoo…

Aaa v jaaoo….

Aaa v jaaoo…

Aaa v jaao………

Hazaro bar is song ko sun chukka hu….par ab v jab v dobara ise suntan hut oh lagta hai 1st time hai…….

Shuru shuru mai toh yeh song mai use hi yaad karke gaya ya suna krta thapar ab dheere dheere yakin ho gaya hai k shayad koiu nahi aane wala..Nahi jaanta k wok aha hai par bus ji chata hai k aawaz us tak pohonch jaaye….

Par ab jab koi aisa sad song sunai deta hai….toh uske chehre k jagah bhagwaan ko yaad karta hu…..song ko uparwale se relate karta hu jaise k bhagwaan hi mera payr hai…

Aur kar v kya skta hu…..E Maalik mjhe please apne paas bula le yaar….mai yahan bohot akela hu….mai bohot taqleef main hu…is dard se mujhe riha kar de maalik..dekh kitna waqt ho gaya hai Maalik..itne saal gujar gaye..sab badal gay..sab badal gaye..par bus mai waise ka waise hu…pls…

mujhe is dard se riha kar de Maalik….

Silence kills....

16 Jan 2007

31st March, 2007

Eleven………….

I cant speak…

Naah..I’m okay…I do have voice..m not vocally impaired..but I cant speak…

Unable to present exactly whts within…whts going inside…

The most prominent and helpless thing I know abt me…………

I cant express my feelings in words…I guess not a rare case…but for me..its just terrible….

I am an introvert..the biggest I’d seen….

One more thing…I am the baddest,filthiest,multifaced selfish person…

I know it and its true…but to me only…

I don’t remember anything exactly.I just remember the feelings I had at the time of the incidents.

Everything comes in as a flash and just disappers …leaving “Nekdil” in excruciating pain…………………..

IS DARD SE MUHE RIHA KAR DIJIYE MAALIK….KISI V TARAH IS DARD SE MUJHE RIHA HAR DIJIYE…….

Once Akbar,the Great Mughal empreror asked Birbal,one of the famous 'Nine Gems' in his court to write something which if read in grief will make us happy and if read in happiness would make us feel sorrow..

Birbal wrote- " THIS TIME WILL PASS"